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How to Maintain Boundaries While Nurturing a Challenging Relationship

Updated: Nov 23, 2024

For many of us, our relationships with family - and often with mothers - come with layers of complexity, love, and, sometimes, tension. While setting boundaries is essential, there are ways to maintain these relationships rather than stepping away entirely. Here are steps, resources, and tips to help you nurture a relationship that honors both love and independence.


Adult woman embracing her mother


1. Shift to a “Compassionate Curiosity” Mindset

Instead of approaching conversations with the need to “fix” the relationship or prove a point, try adopting a compassionate curiosity. This mindset encourages you to view the relationship and conversations as an opportunity to understand the other person, rather than change them. This can be especially helpful when discussing topics where your views differ significantly.

  • Example: Instead of preparing to “set the record straight” on a differing opinion, ask open-ended questions that invite your mother or other relative to share their perspective without feeling judged or defensive.

  • Phrase to Try: “I’m curious about why this is so important to you. Can you help me understand?” This opens dialogue without assigning blame or pushing your own beliefs.


2. Explore Books, Social Groups, and Online Resources for Healthy Boundaries

If counseling isn’t an option, several resources can still support you. Books, online forums, and support groups provide perspective, validation, and ideas for handling enmeshment. These resources help you strengthen emotional boundaries while navigating the ongoing relationship.

3. Set an Intention for Each Interaction

If your goal is to maintain the relationship rather than fix it, setting a clear intention can be powerful. Before each interaction, decide how you want to feel or what you’d like to get out of the exchange. Perhaps it’s simply to enjoy a positive moment together, or to gain a better understanding of each other’s day-to-day lives.

  • Example: Before visiting or calling, take a moment to remind yourself, “Today, my goal is to listen, laugh, and keep things light.” This keeps your expectations realistic and reduces the likelihood of conflicts.


4. Use “I” Statements to Communicate Without Confrontation

When disagreements arise, framing your responses with “I” statements can help you express yourself without creating defensiveness. This approach allows you to share your feelings or needs without directly challenging the other person’s viewpoint, which is essential for avoiding arguments in emotionally charged situations.

  • Example: “I feel uncomfortable when we talk about XYZ topic, and I’d like to keep our conversation positive today.” This is gentle yet clear and helps guide the discussion toward more agreeable subjects.

  • Avoid: Statements like “You always make things about XYZ” can feel accusatory and may trigger a defensive reaction.


    A happy family sharing a meal

5. Navigate Difficult Topics with Pre-Set Boundaries

If there are specific “trigger” topics, try to set limits around those conversations in advance. Let them know that while you respect their perspective, certain subjects are best avoided to maintain a positive relationship.

  • Phrase to Try: “I respect that we have different opinions on this. Let’s agree to put it aside so we can focus on other things.” Setting this boundary calmly can reduce tensions and prevent arguments.

  • When the Topic Arises Again: A gentle reminder, such as “I know we’ve agreed to keep our talks away from that topic,” can help you stay on track without escalating the situation.


6. Embrace Non-Verbal Connection Activities

A mother and grown daughter cooking together

Finding ways to connect without words can often reduce tension and strengthen your bond. Sharing simple experiences can allow you to enjoy each other’s company without diving into potentially contentious territory. This works especially well if verbal communication often leads to conflict.

  • Examples: Go for a walk, work on a puzzle together, or do a cooking or crafting project side-by-side. Activities like these offer positive time together and give you a shared focus, naturally reducing the need to discuss potentially charged topics.

  • Bonus: Studies show that positive, shared activities improve mood and increase feelings of connection, even if few words are exchanged.


7. Turn to Journaling and Reflection for Perspective

When family relationships are challenging, it’s easy to internalize negative emotions. Journaling offers a private outlet for these feelings and can be a great way to reflect on your relationship over time. Writing about your interactions can also help you track progress, identify recurring issues, and build self-compassion.

  • Journal Prompt Ideas:

    • What went well in today’s conversation?

    • What would I like to do differently next time?

    • What boundaries did I maintain, and how did that make me feel?

  • Gratitude Practice: Focusing on one thing you appreciate about the relationship—even something small—can help maintain a balanced view. I created this daily gratitude exercise that can be used any time.


An adult woman watching a movie with her  mother

8. Find an Outside Hobby or Interest as a Shared Focus

Starting a new activity or hobby with your mother or daughter can provide fresh, positive experiences to share. It shifts the focus from potentially fraught topics to something fun and engaging, which can improve the overall dynamic of the relationship.

  • Examples: Take a fitness class together, start a book club for just the two of you, or even try a regular movie night featuring films you both enjoy. The activity itself becomes a buffer and a focal point that’s more conducive to positive interactions.


9. Use Guided Visualizations or Mindfulness Techniques to Center Yourself

Staying grounded can make it easier to handle difficult interactions. Practicing mindfulness techniques like deep breathing, visualization, or even a quick grounding exercise can help you stay centered before, during, and after interactions.

  • Practice: Before seeing or calling them, take a few deep breaths and visualize yourself remaining calm, compassionate, and centered, even if tension arises. This can give you a mental and emotional “buffer zone” that helps you keep perspective and protect your energy.


10. Lean on Community for a Healthy Outlet

If you’re looking for support beyond family but not interested in formal therapy, community resources are excellent alternatives. Many nonprofit organizations, community centers, or churches offer workshops or support groups focused on healthy boundaries, family dynamics, and conflict resolution.

  • Local Workshops and Classes: Community centers, family services, or local colleges often host free or low-cost workshops on communication and family relationships.

  • Peer Support Programs: Al-Anon or similar groups provide support for family members of those with challenging behaviors, offering helpful insights and coping strategies for maintaining a positive relationship with boundaries intact.


With patience, practical boundaries, and alternative forms of support, it’s possible to maintain and even enjoy complex family relationships without sacrificing your mental and emotional well-being. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your needs within these connections. By building a relationship with mutual respect and care, you can cultivate a bond that honors both love and individuality.





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